“I think that little by little I’ll be able to solve my problems and survive.”
― Frida Kahlo
Everything in the world could be going fine, but something with me feels so off. It feels like I’m in a dark room and I can’t find the light switch, or I’m a lion without my mighty roar. I can’t explain why I feel this way or how I even got there. It just happens sometimes, for no reason at all.
It start with trying to get out of bed, no matter how hard I try I feel like gravity is just pulling me deeper and deeper into my sheets. The thought of even getting ready for the day sends me spiraling down the rabbit hole. However this time it’s different…
This time last year, I thought there would never feel “normal” again. A piece of me had disappeared, I don’t know when but I knew it was gone. It took regular therapy sessions and a nightly sleep schedules to get me back into a normal routine, but it was just what I needed. I could barely survive at my job, school was a joke, and trying to do just basic things seemed impossible. But little by little it got better.
Here I am now, even though I feel like I’ve been in a reoccurring funk over the last couple weeks, I’m so much better now than I was a year ago. My job brings me pure joy and my bad days are still good. The kids I work with bring a smile to my face and I love going to work. School even brings me peace and having a purpose plus a goal is something that I had been missing from my life when I “lost myself”.
Sleep seems to be escape and I could feel myself sliding back into old habits like not wanting to leave my bed. The difference now is I got out of bed. There may have been a few set backs like work being canceled due to weather, which lead to me oversleeping because what else is there to do on a snow day? I will admit, I didn’t try as hard as I should have. I should’ve gotten out of bed started addressing it but sleep felt easy and trying seemed too hard. But finally I got out of bed and acknowledge what was going on, it was the old habits creeping back. Sitting down, doing homework, and having a plan made me feel a sense of belonging and importance that I was lacking. I finally got back into the groove of things.
I’ve realized it’s okay to not be okay and it’s not the end of the world to slip back into old habits. But you have to take all the courage and strength you have and don’t give in. It’s hard but not impossible and the reward and the feeling of overcoming your own personal demons is one of the best feelings. The lights finally turn back on and the lion lets out the mightiest of roars. That’s when you know you’re stronger than you thought and you have finally found yourself once again.